Lioness: A little bedtime story, starring Lioness and her pet who she loves and adores. He’s not gay and he’s not straight. He’s a little bit crooked, so we call him “Bent.”

My pet and I meet to park the van for Folsom and he says, “Lioness, we’re going to a party.”

I said, “Oh, I want to go to bed.”

He said, “No. Come to the party.”

So I go to the party and I realize although I look pretty cute, I’m wearing the wrong thing. However, I have a latex dress in the back of my car because I went to Divine Bitches the night before. So I put on my latex dress and we go in. Like a good little kitty, we’re at the party and he brings me a treasure. You know how kitties like to bring a mouse to you?

Real Sexy Talk: As long as it’s not a dead bird.

Lioness: It’s not a dead bird. It’s a live, exotic bird. And the live, exotic bird she’s so pretty. She’s so pretty she’s like a little chocolate bon-bon. In fact, she’s Mon Chéri. So little Chéri, this pretty little exotic bird that my pet brought to me in his mouth, he whispers into my ear…

Bent [the Kitty]: I want to fuck this little birdie.

Lioness: And I say, “Well, I think before we tear this bird apart and eat her, we should toss her around and have fun with her like she’s a little ball of yarn because I’m a lioness and I have a kitty, and cats will play.”

Bent [the Kitty]: Meow.

Lioness:  We’re both cats. I’m a big cat and he’s a little cat. The little bird, we grab her and we’re like, “Oh little bird, we could so easily destroy you with our fierce feline-ness, but we want to play with you.”

And she goes, “Oh, oh! I’m supposed to leave but I don’t want to leave.” So she sends her friends off in a cab and she says, “I’m going to stay. I’m okay. I’m just a little bird.”

Real Sexy Talk: [Laughter]

Lioness:  So we take the little bird in our big paws where we could so easily crush and destroy her, but we just bat her around and we take her upstairs in this beautiful Noe Valley home. We take her up to the master bedroom, because you know, a lioness just walks into a place like she owns it, of course. We go to the master bed and we start the most amazing little – I don’t know how you would say it – is it a scene? Is it an incident? It’s an encounter, yes.

And she looks gorgeous. She’s got a pretty little face and these gorgeous wings that are black and lacy. I think to myself as a lioness, “God, I want to rip those wings off.”

But, let me send in a gentler kitty.

So I say, “My pet, I want you to take off your little dress.”

She was, “Oh, oh…um, um…I’m nervous. But I must be very titillated, because I’m just a little bird. ”

Real Sexy Talk: [Chirp, chirp, chirp]

Lioness: We take off her dress and she’s got beautiful breasts and this smoking little body and these tiny, tiny little underwear that actually don’t have any crotch to speak of.

In order to keep this brief, we’ll cut to the most pertinent points.

Bent – my little pet – I have him stroke her up and down with his big Danish cock… It’s Danish because it’s sweet, but it’s not a doughnut.

He strokes her up and down and she sucks on his big cock. She strokes it and I tell her exactly what to do to make him hot. I ask her to show us how she stokes herself when she’s alone and… where are her hands and where are her legs and what if she’s showing off for her lioness, what would she do?

She gets herself all ready and then I take his cock and put in a condom, because I’m a smart lion. I say, “I’m going to stroke his cock up and down your slit and I’m going to count to seven. On the seventh time, I want you to hop on it, little bird.”

And so one, two, three, four, five, six…and the last stroke — ohh — she hops on it and she’s so excited. She can’t wait. She couldn’t believe that I said seven and not three.

She hops on it and they start grinding and fucking. I’m holding him by his little leash and I say, “You may kiss her neck, you may bite her nipples, you may kiss her on the lips, you may look her in the eyes and fuck this shit out of her, kitty.” So he fucks, fucks, fucks and I stand back, holding his leash and stroking my pussy. I’m getting so aroused I can feel it inside me just building up, building up.

He bends her over the bed.

He fucks her so hard.

He flips her over and he fucks her again.

She starts squirting all over the bed and she squirts so much that she makes the whole sheets wet. I think, “Oh well, this is not my home and I’m a kind lioness, so let me grab a towel.” Before I can even grab a towel she squirts again all over the bed!

And now it’s on the pillows, it’s on the comforter, it’s on the carpet and I think, “Well, now I want to make it nice because other people have been attracted by the sound of an exotic bird betting fucked by a kitty.”

So I grab a towel and I lay it down. As I’m kneeling on the bed laying this giant towel down – I’m kneeling on the bed and my kitty looks at me and says, “My lioness, oh my lioness, may I touch your pretty little pussy?”

I said, “Oh, yes. Yes, you may.”

He puts his finger inside me, and in less than 30 seconds – and I am not exaggerating this part of the story at all – in 30 seconds he sticks his finger inside me and I didn’t even know that this was there: he pushes his finger inside me and it’s like he turned on a faucet! I squirt all over the fresh towel and I think, “My goodness! That feels good. What a gorgeous release.” Before he takes his finger out, I squirt again.

Real Sexy Talk:  A gorgeous release.

Lioness:  I think, “Oh, what a beautiful feeling.” I feel like I am just flooding with pleasure and I’m surprised. Then I gush again. So that’s three times that I’ve gushed and he was, “Oh, oh!” He’s fingering and fingering and fingering me and then “Oh!” For the fourth time I have the biggest gush of cum, and pleasure, and release and – ocean! – just pouring out of me than I’ve ever had in my entire life.

I reached down and he’s got his hand cupped under my pussy and I feel a puddle in his hand. I feel that my thighs are wet, the towel is wet, and the bed is wet, again.

I grab the little bird and I take her hand and I say, “Feel this, little bird. Do you want to drink from the puddle?” I grab her by her necklace and I pulled her in. I take her hand and I put it there and she was, “Oh, oh, I’m so excited. Um, um…” and she just comes in and pecks at my pussy and drinks up my juice.

That is the story of the lioness, the kitty, and the exotic bird.

Four times that I gushed. Four times!

Stay tuned for next week’s post in which the lioness tells us how and why she was able to ejaculate. Do you have your own squirting story to share? E-mail Pearl at pearl at realsexytalk dot com and your story could be featured next!

One woman directed her intimacy toward me. She said, “I was disappointed that you did not reveal your true self tonight.”

I felt embarrassed; I knew she was right. That night, I’d opted to be funny rather than honest.  When I shared my intimacy, I decided not to hold back anymore. “Tonight I felt uncomfortable, and when I do – rather than showing my true self – I try to be an entertainer.”

After I said this, a layer of internal fog lifted and I felt 10x better.  I later mentioned this to OneTase’s co-founder and he responded, “Welcome.” He also suggested I sign up for that weekend’s 3-day course: Ignited Man, which was all about learning to be vulnerable and authentic.

I took his suggestion. The course began Friday at 7:00pm and went till 10:00pm. There were introductions, bonding exercises, hugging and chest bumps.  My girlfriend picked me up and expected to see change. I knew I hadn’t changed a bit. She noticed too, and I felt sad about this. To see progress, I knew I would have to push myself for the next two days.

Understanding the Issues

The following morning opened with a live demonstration of Orgasmic Meditation (OM), a 15-minute practice where the “stroker” applies a gentle stroke to the upper-left quadrant of a woman’s clitoris. After the demonstration, the woman sat up and smiled genuinely. Her satisfied grin made me realize I hadn’t seen my girlfriend smile in a while. I guess my girlfriend was feeling unfulfilled, too.

For the second part of the day, we were instructed to list 10 vulnerabilities. Mine included, “I’m afraid to commit in a relationship.” We then listed 10 desires, one of mine being, “I really want to have a three-some.”  During this exercise, we had to approach one woman in public and tell her one desire, then approach another woman and share a vulnerability. I always loved approaching women. I made a habit of doing so — sometimes to the dismay of my girlfriend. She especially disliked when I did so with gimmicks such as picking the woman up in the air, and twirling her around (that was my signature move), though she didn’t mind as much if it didn’t get too physical too quickly. After all, she liked women, too, and benefited from my “approaching.”

Me and the guys drove to the Mission, and were separated into groups.  As we walked toward Dolores park, I noticed a young woman sitting in the grass. I walked over and said with a smile, “Don’t worry, I’m not dangerous.” I extended my hand, “I saw you sitting here and wanted to introduce myself. Hi, I’m Rachman.” The other guys kept walking to scope out their own subjects. The woman blocked out the sun with her left hand, smiled, then shook my hand with her right.

“Nice to meet you,” she replied, “I’m Cassandra.”

As I sat down, I reminded myself to be real, and we started talking. Cassandra told me she was an energy healer. I mentioned that I had started meditating recently. “It helps me get out of my head, because sometimes I try to say the perfect thing to impress women.” I had just revealed one of my 10 vulnerabilities, and my chest loosened; I felt lighter and more relaxed. This, in turn, allowed me to be fully present in our conversation. Having an authentic conversation with an attractive woman was one of my 10 desires. My desire actually happened, as a result of me being vulnerable.

Failing Publicly

At this point, I am convinced that I have to become more authentic, in order to score more women for my girlfriend and I.

That evening, the Ignited Man class was invited to a party for a beautiful woman whose desire was to be treated like royalty. Everyone affectionately called her “The Queen” during the party.  My girlfriend came later that night to pick me up, and connected with The Queen instantly. I was proud that she was able to attract The Queen, while I was too intimidated to have a conversation with her as my new, authentic self.

As the party ended, everyone headed back to OneTaste’s residence.  My girlfriend’s friend was pulling her away as I was wrapping up a conversation, and I heard her yell over her should, “I’ll meet you there!”

When I arrived, however, my girlfriend wasn’t there. In fact, her friend was sitting alone in the lobby.

I called her phone. No answer.

I walked upstairs to look for her. As I passed another friend, he said, smirking, “The Queen needs 15 minutes with your girlfriend.”

What!?

I had wanted our relationship to be open to other partners, but we were supposed to be together when that happened. I felt a hot, searing pain in my chest, which I later identified as jealousy — something I hadn’t experienced very often. There hadn’t been a time when a woman liked my girlfriend more than she liked me.

Panic set in. I began imagining The Queen with a strap-on bigger than my cock, plowing my girlfriend while laughing, “Your boyfriend could never fuck you like me!”

I called again. This time she picked up.

“Where are you?” I tried to sound calm.

“In the Queen’s room…317.”

I walked over, knocked, and went in without waiting for a response. “Hi, honey!” my girlfriend said excitedly.

The Queen quickly interjected, “Is it OK if we have 5 minutes?”

I tried to think of a smart response, but no words came out. The Queen continued, “I’ve never been with a woman before.”

The only thing I could mutter while looking at the ground was, “Umm, we have these rules… about hooking up… and…” I looked at my girlfriend, and got nothing from her. She was on a totally different wavelength at this point. I gave up. “It’s OK, you two have your fun,” I pouted and walked downstairs.

“Everything OK, dude?” one of my classmates asked, noting my disheartened face.

I took a deep breath, then replied, “No! My girlfriend is upstairs with The Queen, hooking up without me!”

I plopped on the couch like a patient in a psychiatrists office. I recounted what had just transpired, now realizing that I had ruined a perfect opportunity to play with two turned-on women.

Five minutes later, my girlfriend came downstairs, sat, and listened as I opened up to a group of people, many of whom I did not know.  My audience was empathetic, as I told them how jealous and inadequate I had felt in that moment.

My girlfriend looked on, amazed. She felt the change in me.

Being Open to Monogamy

The next day over breakfast, my girlfriend and I discussed what had happened. My reaction made me question if I could handle other women in our relationship at all. After some intense discussion she said, “I go for other women because that’s what you said you wanted. I was just taking advantage of the openness of our relationship, and I thought we could both have some fun. But I only need you. I’m happy with you and only you.”

“Wow,” I thought, “my girlfriend really loves me.”

I realized that by telling me she only wanted to be with me, she was making herself vulnerable. She put her true feelings on the line, even though she wasn’t sure how I was going to react. I could have told her I didn’t feel the same way, which would have hurt her deeply. I could have gotten scared off and decided to leave our relationship all together. She was expressing a desire for monogamy, even though I had never made it clear whether I was fully invested in our relationship. I was, in fact, relieved, because I had a sneaking suspicion that she really wanted other women more than me.

She continued, “For the record, The Queen and I didn’t hook up. When you walked out of the room, I knew you would be upset if I did, so I didn’t do it.”

I had already forgiven her, but it was comforting knowing I could really trust her, and I continued to marvel at how comfortable she seemed while being vulnerable.

After this experience, we both realized that what we really needed was to focus on each other. So, we agreed to OM every day as a way to reinforce our commitment to the relationship. Having done this for four weeks, we’ve seen a wonderful shift. By devoting 15 minutes a day to the practice, loving one another has become a habit. We’re at the peak of our relationship and I owe that to learning to be vulnerable, communicating authentically, and being consistently affectionate with my girlfriend.

Here’s the interview:

Blake: For a woman, if it’s her first time with her partner, what is a good way for her to ask if she wants to ejaculate with him/her?

Deborah: If the first time she’s with her partner and she feels like she might ejaculate with him because obviously, she’s so excited and feels so great; that’s the time that it usually just flows out of her body. And whether they’re aware of that or not, it’s instinctually there. So, the best thing to do is to just talk about female ejaculation before you even begin to get sexual.

Blake: What if her partner is grossed out by the idea of female ejaculation?

Deborah: Get another partner!

Blake: (laughs) Okay. Say, they have been together for a while, have a mortgage, and it’s not that easy to get another partner. Is there anything you recommend that she do?

Deborah: Number one, he needs to know that it’s not urine. And number two, he needs to know – as does she – that it comes from the female prostate, because prostatic fluid is what female ejaculation is. And all women have one, as do all men – a prostate that is. So, after that, he may benefit by watching my video for couples or reading my book [Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot].

Blake: Is this a problem that you have to deal with a lot? Men being opposed to the idea, or maybe even turned off by the idea of a woman ejaculating?

Deborah: No, men are dying for the experience in general. Many women have had that experience once in their life, and they’re usually seeking it again. Sometimes, for decades. So they’re very excited to have this happen to them. I would say, men are more on the other end of the spectrum. Sometimes, they apply too much pressure to their partners to ejaculate. That will shut down female ejaculation; women need to have it flow out because they are happy, secure, and excited with their partner. So, there’s very, very few men who don’t like it.

Blake: Great! And for women who want to learn how to ejaculate themselves first, before they do it with their partner, what do you recommend they do?

Deborah: If they have never ejaculated before and they want to begin to learn, the first thing to do is to read about it, and my book is the bible on that. It will tell you everything you want to know about female ejaculation as well as how to do it, step by step. And so, I’m all for women getting some information instead of just forging forward. That’s what sex education is about. We think sex is simple, but it’s actually quite sophisticated and complicated if you want it to be.

Blake: Do you recommend women use toys if they want to make themselves ejaculate, or just their fingers?

Deborah: If a woman is wanting to learn how to ejaculate, there are two ways you can go about that. If you’ve never had this G-spot, physical sensation of what does the G-spot feel like, then toys with the really hard lip… and I don’t mean the curve – the pokers – I mean, one with the really hard lip… If you insert that into the vagina, it pops up. This hard lip kind of pops up behind the tail of the G-spot, the back end of the G-spot. And I talk about this head, body, and tail in my book so that women can really get more articulate about this organ that they call the G-spot… so it’s not a spot, it’s an organ. But the area that’s most sensitive to most women who are first learning to awaken those sensations of the G-spot is the tail end, and the best way to feel that feeling is to get a toy with the thick lip and insert it into the vagina and then pull firmly forward nice and slow, and you’ll feel that feeling. It is astonishing!

Pearl: What is the second way that women can learn? The first way is the toy. Is the second way with the fingers or something else?

Deborah: The second way is to again approach ejaculating firstly through awakening the sensations of the G-spot. Like I said, they’re numbed out. And so, you’re basically getting to know this organ, and you do that with your finger with some quiet time, uninterrupted for about a hour. Breathe and relax, no stimulation. Just first of all, to see the G-spot in your vagina. You can actually see it. And then, locate it with your fingers to get to it and explore it, millimeter by millimeter. The head which surrounds the urethra opening, the body and its ridges which is just inside the opening of the vagina. Then, as you slip your finger along the body of the G-spot, your finger will naturally crawl behind the tail – and to explore that, and to really, really, really get acquainted with this organ that they said does not exist.

So you see, my approach is not kind of a wam-bam thing, it’s really slow and meditative and really getting to know this organ.

Blake: Is the most common reason why women don’t want to ejaculate, the fear that they’re actually going to pee?

Deborah: Well, let me ask your partner there: Pearl?

Pearl: Yeah! It does feel like the pressure, by touching the G-spot, you’re actually pushing a little bit on the urethral tract, and so you do feel a little bit of sensation in that area like you’re going to pee.

Deborah: Women clamp down on the urge to ejaculate because it feels like the urge to pee. And as we know, the last thing that any woman in the world wants to do is pee when she’s making love. So you can believe that most women for their sexual life have clamped down when they’re making love, instinctually, not even knowing about it.

We are building mass of amounts of fluid here and where is it going?

So, letting go is women’s biggest obstacle. And that’s why it can take a woman a year of working at it to finally let go and to really gush forth.

Pearl: With all the media hype around Kegel exercises and your pelvic floor muscle, do you think that’s actually hurt the practice of female ejaculation?

Deborah: It’s a really excellent question. I can’t answer that, but I do know as far as female ejaculation goes, that 30% of men and women have chronic pelvic muscle tension. So what we’re learning with that is if you do Kegel’s, it’s not good for chronic tension because when muscles are tensed chronically, that means they cannot relax. You can do yoga and breathe all day long; you’re not gonna relax that muscle. It must be manually pushed upon by a professional, say a physical therapist who studies muscles as a profession. They know trigger points on these muscles, and they just push on it, and it helps it to relax so you can cure it really quickly, but you have to know what you’re doing. And that where a therapist comes in. So doing Kegel’s in that situation is not a good idea at all. Places like the clinic and so forth have said to stop doing that. So I’ve stopped, I’ve stopped teaching about Kegel’s because many women do have weak pelvic muscles or tensed pelvic muscles, and that can prevent women from ejaculating.

Pearl: Who’s able to do the sort of physical therapy you talk about?

Deborah: Physical therapists are trained in the muscles of the body. Unfortunately, the pelvic muscles are usually left out of their training. Even masseuses, they don’t exactly know the pelvic muscles. If you can imagine anything remotely connected with sexuality, it’s still not studied in the society. So the first thing you do is go to a physical therapist who has taken it upon herself or himself to work in this area with the pelvic floor. These are people doing Feldenkrais or Alexander Technique, these people have studied the posture of the muscles and bones, I mean, that’s what those two modalities are about. The fourth is people who are sexological body workers. And the sexological body workers, especially the ones trained outside of the USA have had more classes with the anatomy muscles of the body. And so, they too know a lot about the pelvic floor muscles.

But this is a field that is going to blossom. I think that [the pelvic floor muscle] is the most important thing about sexuality in this decade. We don’t have the tension because of the Kegel’s, we have tension because this is the floor of the muscles — a ball of muscles that hold up every organ in our torso. And as we know, if we hold any kind of emotional trauma or misuse, abuse, it affects the muscles of the body at large. This is well-known in body work. And so, what do you think is happening with our pelvic floor muscles when we live in a body-phobic and sex-phobic culture? You better believe that those muscles can be a twisted mess.

Blake: Let’s talk about your workshops. Can you describe your workshops that you’re touring the world with, and what they’re all about?

Deborah: They are mostly for women, either they’re one day or weekend, and this is where women get the opportunity to be in a group of women that is supportive and going through the same thing she is: trying to figure out where this G-spot is, what it feels like, what’s the story behind it is and how to get it working again. In other words, flowing like a fountain. It’s sort of informative because you get to hear the stories of others and nothing can compare to that really, sharing an experience that’s actually kind of profound. So, that’s what those workshops are about and I take them through the steps that I have in a book about how to approach the G-spot and how to awaken its sensitivity with your own fingers.

Deborah: Through that process, many women will ejaculate on day 3, which is always exciting. But this isn’t about a show, this is about women in a kind of a psychological process – really, kind of a physical, sexual process – that they’re learning new things about their body – erotic body – and how to make it work.

Blake: Is this for women only? Or can couples attend also?

Deborah: I do couple’s workshops. Once a year in the United States.

Blake: Who do you recommend attend your workshops?

Deborah: Most women who’ve read my book, Female Ejaculation and the G-Spot, and want to learn more about it or perhaps have an obstacle… or they’re just excited and they just want to have an instructor to help them along with this process that they’re on. You get a lot of that as we all know; books are good, but nothing works like going to a class. That’s mostly the women who attend. Women who want to learn more about their bodies.

Blake: And for those who can’t make it to the workshop, you offer online workshops as well, right?

Deborah: Yes, which is the same type of workshop as the weekend workshop, just a session divided up into 5 consecutive weeks. What’s great about online is: number 1, if you are just painfully shy or you can’t travel across the country, online is great for that. And the benefit to online above anything else is you have one whole week to integrate a bit of information instead of a weekend immersion. And I find that the bond between women and the group grows deeper and their process actually gets a little deeper because they just have more time to integrate and to work on everything.

Blake: How can someone find your workshops, and sign up for them?

Deborah: My workshops, you can sign up for and find out more information on my website which is DeborahSundahl.com.

Blake: Thanks for taking the time to do this interview with us, Deborah!

Be sure to follow Real Sexy Talk’s “Ask the Expert” interview series by subscribing to our e-mail list, and let us know who you’d like to see interviewed next.

While feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and shame are common, they negatively affect your relationships, and potentially your self-esteem (how you feel about your own value or worth). They detract from your body image and make it more difficult to connect with others, especially a sexual partner.

Some men and women will remain clothed as much as possible to avoid any negative thoughts associated with their nude bodies. The solution to overcoming body image issues, however, may be to strip down more often rather than less.

In this blog post, I’ll describe a few of my own experiences in the nude, then offer the perspective of several lifestyle nudists who evidently have conquered any body image issues and enjoy a healthy perspective on sexuality in general.

Partying Naked

I’ll start off by saying that my first experience being completely nude in public was in the desert of Black Rock City at last year’s Burning Man festival. If you know anything about Burning Man, this comes as no surprise.  Even in this liberated environment of “radical self expression,” though, there were only a few women donning their full birthday suits. Many opted for a topless look, and an even greater number wore a pair of modest pasties (see photo at left) to cover their areola. I was a bit disappointed really – and a bit scared to “bare all” myself. Some of the thoughts that entered my head were:

• “Will someone take note of my imperfect body?”
• “Will men leer at my large breasts?”
• “Will revealing my bare pussy in public be an automatic invitation for sexual advances?”
• “Will women avoid talking to me, or judge me?”
• “Will I be able to hold a normal conversation with anyone?”

The moment I removed all my clothes I felt exposed, but a bit turned on at the same time. Perhaps I have a bit of an exhibitionist streak in me after all. My boyfriend Blake, whose preferred state is nude, declared that “this is the way nature intended!”

“Well, sure,” I thought, with my Christian upbringing surfacing, “before Eve ate that apple and humans learned to feel ashamed about our bodies.”

Why is it that we feel so much shame over something so – well, natural? Is it the reactions of other people that we’re worried about -  or the insecurities that we have about our own bodies?

Nude in Nature

My second experience was in a more quiet setting at Harbin Hot Springs, a wonderful mountainside retreat in Northern California. There you can find the clothing-optional mineral springs and none of the festival-like atmosphere of Burning Man.  There are more meditative pools than conversational ones, all coupled with strict rules of etiquette.  There were older adults as well as children with their families bathing, sunning, and hiking. I spent the first evening there once again getting reacquainted with my cloth-less self while dipping in the warm, hot, and cold baths and trying not to feel awkward.

Initially, I observed how everyone else was handling this environment. It seemed that the older men and women were very comfortable, both in their own skin and while interacting with others. By contrast, some of the younger ladies with beautiful – dare I say, “hot” – bodies appeared the most uncomfortable, bringing me to the conclusion that confidence in this situation has little to do with your outward physical appearance.  That helped me relax a bit and remember that, though imperfect – I will always be a vixen (post on this topic coming soon).

It turns out that after a few hours of “people watching” and feeling like everyone else is watching you back, it becomes much more relaxed. You pay less attention to someone’s genitals, breasts, and body, and more attention to the general aura someone exudes… and everyone else does the same. It’s as if removing all the clothing – and in many cases the makeup and accessories, too – actually strips away a level of superficiality. Your personality really becomes the star, because you have nothing to hide behind.

When I returned home to the “textile impaired” world (as one nudist calls it), I wanted to see if others have had similar experiences. I discovered an active community of nudists via Twitter user @hippie_hollow, representing a beautiful clothing-optional public park in Austin, Texas. They welcomed me into their member forum, where I gathered perspectives from about a dozen nudists with varying backgrounds and degrees of participation in the nudist lifestyle, specifically asking about their experiences with body image issues, as well as any effects of nudism on their sex lives.

Note: I have made some minor edits for spelling and grammar, not intended to change original meaning by the poster.

Hippie Hollow on Body Image Issues

As with my own experience, it appears that beginner nudists also feel a bit of discomfort at first, but quickly get over it.

jsmccr writes about an experience with his wife: “Our first ‘public’ nudity was at St. Martins along the Orient Beach strip on a vacation 4 years ago. We found a nice trail through a peninsula and I teased her by removing my shorts as she strolled topless alongside me. It only took a little more cajoling to convince her to completely bare herself to the people on the beach, but once she realized that no one was gawking at us, she relaxed and enjoyed an exhilarating swim in the ocean without a stitch of clothing.”

In this case, the wife’s discomfort was related to the perception by others. Once she dismissed this notion she truly enjoyed the experience.

Moon writes about the social / cultural barriers that are shed when you remove clothing from the equation: “Being completely naked we open ourselves to all our frailties, are more vulnerable, and start to know each other on a level playing field.” She further indicates that it’s important to have a supportive environment, like the one at Hippie Hollow: “In our acceptance of each others’ imperfections, we help each other improve our self-esteem… It is like a family at Hippie Hollow.”

travelmonkey333 has a healthy take on his smaller penis size: “i love visiting the park and shedding my clothes. [...] i feel as though my self esteem raises up every time i’m out there. i’m more comfortable with sex than i was when i was younger, i may be able to attribute that to nudism. the compliments i get for having, ‘a cute lil penis’ also is a thrill along with the giggles from ladies from time to time.”

User austex66, who has been visiting Hippie Hollow since 1999 with his wife, agrees that nudism has helped them both shed former body image issues, and simultaneously motivates them to lead a healthier, more active lifestyle: “In this environment, one quickly sees that any body issues (weight, size, body build, complexion) are in common with many other people. Concerns that might have once been viewed as personal defects or shortcomings are actually just common variations of the human form. In our case, that revelation resulted in a more positive acceptance of our own bodies, as well as motivation to move past the couch potato stage and actually exercise a little and eat/drink in moderation to improve our appearance.” – austex66

By contrast, an athletic user named DJ has always felt comfortable being naked: “I have been in hundreds of locker rooms throughout my life starting at a fairly young age, so any and all embarrassment most certainly would have been rendered out of me long ago.”

Many nudists commented on just how natural it is to be nude, including wacocouple: “It is more natural to be nude than clothed. We don’t even think about being naked and sometimes must be reminded to put some clothes on. Living in the city makes it difficult to be naked outside in our own yard, but typically we are naked from the time we come home in the evening and take a shower until we get dressed the next day to go to work. Mentally we are naked all day, physically part of the day we happen to be covered with clothing.”

zorro humorously commented, “i was pleasantly surprised to find out im always nude under my clothing!”

When asked about any potentially embarrassing situations – such as becoming visibly aroused while nude – austex66 had this to say: “My only body response which was troubling when we started was what might be termed the ‘shrinkage factor’ coming out of chilly water, but it is what it is, many if not most guys are similarly affected, and it becomes a non-issue.”

Several other male users commented that any visible turn-on (i.e. an erection) could be easily remedied with a towel if it’s inappropriate for the situation. For example, user pprice writes, “I was having a day dream, staring off into the wild blue completely unaware of my surroundings when all of a sudden started to get an erection. I was sitting in a poolside chair at a family-oriented nudist facility. It was not the time or the place for a boner.  I covered with my towel and waited. It was not embarrassing but extremely awkward, fortunately nobody noticed. So I wouldn’t say erections are rare, but perhaps rarely noticed.”

To wrap up, I quote a user named Pete: “Nudists seem to be pretty well-balanced people. I don’t know if they have more self-esteem. There is certainly a lack of body-image problems.”  It appears that whether you come into the nudist lifestyle with body image issues or without them, the circumstances will allow you to quickly forget these insecurities and enjoy the benefits of being nude.

Benefits of Nudism, According to Nudists

So what are the benefits of being nude frequently, and in public?

austex66 mentions that nudism provided he and his wife more self-confidence in that “we had overcome unnecessary baggage that had been part of our upbringing” and mentions how this has helped in dealing with frustrating situations, e.g. the workplace. In another post, he writes “Getting nude in public is always a bit exhilarating, providing a sense of freedom, as well as pride and a sense of satisfaction in overcoming one of the most prevalent ‘taboos’ (against social nudity) that has persisted from our Puritan heritage. Its not so much the nudity that is a confidence builder as it is the knowledge that you individually had the courage to bare all in a public environment, and then socially interact with others who might be either bare or clothed.”

djreef has a slightly different, more physical sense of freedom while nude: “For me the feeling is all about the freedom. I hate clothing, and wear as little as I can get away with. The binding, restricting, pulling, limiting nature of textiles has always been problematic for me.”

Moon believes that it’s easier for nudists to transcend the physical body, and establish deeper emotional connections that way: “I think nudists are able to more easily get past the physical and touch at a deeper level, emotionally and even more so spiritually. And it is at the spiritual level that we find our soul mate. And when we are able to touch and communicate and stimulate arousal at these deeper levels, yes I think we can find more fulfilling relationships, whether those relationships become intimate or not.”

BluePari also mentions being free, as well as sharing an intimate experience with her partner at Hippie Hollow, “Going somewhere to be nude is very free and stress relieving… it has improved our sexuality because we are not limiting ourselves and we are exploring together. Though we have seen each other nude, there is something very attractive about seeing the one you love out nude in nature.”

steveandsherry write to me about their heightened sexual energy, “Pearl, my thoughts are that everytime I have been at a nudist resort or hollow, my wife and I are extremely horny. Its the greatest feeling in the world. I wish we hadn’t waited to go to nudist resorts.”

Naturamigo writes about freedom in a legal/political sense, as well as body acceptance that nudism provides: “I serve the US, and by defending Freedom, I believe I deserve the right to enjoy some Freedom as well. I run; and running gives me peace yet running nude gives me Freedom. I have a heavyset body; meaning that I don’t look muscular at all. I learned to love my appearance the first time in Tallahassee, FL in a place called Tallahassee Naturally. It is secluded and only few people go there. This group accepted me as I was. Now every chance I get I go to Hippie Hollow and run…Then refresh and enjoy the sun and the view.”

Pete makes an interesting point that nudism is more economical! “I enjoy working outdoors nude. It just makes sense. It’s way more comfortable, and doesn’t soil any clothes. The laundry issue is expensive when you consider the water and energy consumed.” He does admit, though, that “there are circumstances where clothes are required for protection, like frying food!” Thanks for that, Pete…

I Have to Ask… “What About Sex?”

Some people think that all nudists are openly sexual. By contrast, the responses in the forum were tempered and revealed many well-balanced attitudes about sex.

Number51 writes, “I’m no more turned on being naked in a group setting than if I’m clothed in a group setting. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people do buy into this assumption, and that’s why we have the laws about nudity that we have.”

BluePari, who identifies as “young,” has a different take. She acknowledges that her experience of being nude can be sexually-charged at times, but that sex in public is not always appropriate. (Note: …or legal. “Lewd,” “obscene,” and “offensive” acts may be prosecuted in many states. Though I’m no expert on the law, engaging in sexual activity in public is quite a different story than simply being nude. Use your best judgement). “It would be a lie to say that sex isn’t tempting between us, especially if you enjoy voyeurism or kinky sex… as for being turned on by others there, it isn’t as likely because they are not participating in sexual acts or anything you would feel naughty watching. Public sex is hott but only in the right atmosphere around the right people.”

Pete believes in keeping sex private: “There are some nude resorts that promote and even encourage open sexuality, and others that expect “decorum” among the guests. [...] I think openly sexual behavior spoils the nudist experience. I know that may sound screwy, but when I am nude there is much more to the experience. Sure, there is a possible sexual component, but I’d rather leave it out since I consider that behavior private.”

hoosiermba writes about arousal, “Do I get turned on at Hippie Hollow? Sure. Do I get turned on at Dayton Beach, or some random bar, or the mall or whatever – sure. I just think that that a matter of human nature. Humans are programed to always be on the lookout for a suitable mate. I don’t think nudism has any causal relationship except there’s less left to the imagination!”

In conclusion….

Some great concluding statements from user smoothstud, “Nudists are not ashamed of their bodies and, therefore, are far more likely to appreciate and understand their bodies. In turn, except for other health concerns, our sex lives are better because we understand that sexuality is part of being human, not something negative that must be somehow ignored or, worse, repressed. People, mostly the clothing-inhibited, so often cover up very soon after sex out of a sort of fear of being caught. Nudists, at least from my perspective, are far more likely to enjoy a sexual experience (given the time) and more likely to remain nude longer when finished. Also, whenever I find myself in the mood, circulation is unrestricted by tight clothing, thus leading over time to a much longer and healthier sex life.”

There is something disturbing about the shame many of us have regarding our own bodies, and the negative affect of that shame on our body image and self-esteem. It has been an eye-opening experience for me personally to discover nudism and the intense pleasure and freedom that comes when you shed your clothing, putting “all of the goods” out there for the world to see – whether you believe yourself to be physically attractive or not. I encourage you seek out a similar experience of your own and see what happens. For you, the next step may be to walk around your house naked once in a while, or to prolong putting on clothing after a good romp. The important thing is to push your comfort level (in the appropriate environment of course) and see what emotions come up, then reflect on how those emotions may be affecting you and your self esteem, sex life, and relationships in general.

If you liked this article, please visit the Hippie Hollow forums online – or the park in Austin, Texas in person – to continue discussion and get involved with a wonderful community of people. Thanks to everyone who contributed and hope to meet you all “in the flesh” one day.

CONTEST: Write an insightful comment on this article in the next 7 days. The best comment will WIN a copy of Real Sexy Squirting -OR- access to Pearl & Blake for a half hour conversation about anything you’d like to ask them! So put on your thinking caps and let us know what you thought of this article, your thoughts on nudism, or anything discussed above.

RealSexyTalk.com: What’s missing in adult sex education today?

Dr. Glickman: The awareness that adults need sex education.

A lot of the adult sex education that does exist tends to be problem-based. It’s focused on how to spice up a sexless marriage or your boyfriend or your girlfriend wants to try something and you’re not sure about it. I don’t think there’s enough conversation about why to have sex. What are the reasons people have sex?

There’s a book that just came out by Marty Klein – he’s a sex therapist in Palo Alto. It’s called “Sexual Intelligence.” And his whole book is about how, either there’s skills that you need – like an awareness of your own pleasure and your own body – and most-known tools to be able to talk about difficult stuff, and recognizing that if you are acting out of resentment – your obligation – you’re not going to be enjoying sex. I mean it’s all of these things that need to be the foundation before you get to know how to give somebody a great blowjob or 17 new sex positions to drive your boyfriend wild or whatever it is.

But the problem is that those things are harder to sell. What’s easy to sell is, “5 New Ways to Stimulate the G-spot.” That’s easy.

RealSexyTalk.com: How do you help people as a sex educator?

Dr. Glickman: What I like doing is workshops. My intention is to find out, two things – “What is it that this person thinks is the problem?” “What is it that they think they need?” And then there’s “What do I see is the problem?” or “What I think would be usual for them, and how do we fit all of that together?”

RealSexyTalk.com: So, sometimes, it’s different from what they think that they need.

Dr. Glickman: Well, like the guy who came in to the store who was having erection difficulties because he’s taking blood pressure medication, it’s very common side effect. And he came in convinced that he needed was a cock ring. And what I was hoping, I mean I did eventually sold him a cock ring but part of what I talked about in the conversation with him was, “Look, your sex life doesn’t have to all be about having a hard penis. There’s a lot of stuff you can do and really enjoy. Let’s talk about what your other possibilities are.” So, sometimes what people think they need and what I think might be useful is not always the same thing.

RealSexyTalk.com: How do you feel about polyamory?

Dr. Glickman: There’s a saying in the swingers community that swinging will make a good relationship better, and a bad one worse. And I see this in a lot of people, especially in the polyamorous world, especially in San Francisco. “Things are little rocky for us, let’s open up our relationship.” That’s just as much as a disaster as people who say, “You know, our relationship isn’t very good, let’s have a baby. That will really make us closer with each other.”

You got to have a solid foundation first.

RealSexyTalk.com: What’s your favorite type of workshop?

Dr. Glickman: I really enjoy talking about prostate play because I think the world would be a much happier place if more men would experience it!

RealSexyTalk.com: How do you educate people about prostate play?

Dr. Glickman: When I talk with folks about prostate play, most who come to the workshops, already have some kind of interest in the topic. But sometimes, it’s one person who is interested and they’re kind of dragging their partner along and so, my co-teacher, Allison Mercy and I, we always start off talking about the barriers to it and the three top fears that come up over and over again with men.

“Is it going to be painful?”
“Is it going to be messy?” and
“Is it going to make me gay?”

So, we always start with those and break those down a little bit. And then we get into the two sides of things because a lot of it just really understanding how the body works.

A lot of people learn how to have sex from watching porn. And I used to say that learning to have sex from watching porn would be like learning to drive from watching a car chase movie…or learning gun safety from watching action movies.

I think a lot of heterosexual men who have never been in the receiving end of penetrative sex. It’s hard to really understand why a partner might say something like, “I need to be really turned on first, I need you to go slower” – anal or vaginal, it doesn’t matter. Because a lot of guys, they do that, “You know, I’m so turned on, I can’t hold back.” That kind of thing. “We have to hurry.” There’s this sort of rushing to it. And once you’ve been on the receiving end and you’ve experienced how your own body needs to get turned on first, you need to be really connected with your partner; you need to be very comfortable, all of a sudden a lot of guys say, “Oh wait, I get it.” You know, “Yes, we’ll spend half an hour making out and have oral sex first.” I get it.

Women when they’re on the giving end especially when they’re pegging, realize how much work and effort and responsibility and sometimes power goes into doing that with someone. And you won’t have to even worry about a dildo getting soft at the wrong moment. Imagine if dildos were programmed that one out of every twenty times, some random time after you start having sex, it would just go soft and nothing you could do to change that. Add that to the mix and I think it would offer a more insight into what’s that like on the other side, so in my experience for a lot of heterosexual couples, it creates a better understanding. You know, it’s walking a mile in the other person’s shoes.

RealSexyTalk.com: What does a successful workshop look like?

Dr. Glickman: For how-to oriented workshops, it’s the folks who say, “Yeah! I’m going to go home and try this right now.” Or they buy some toys or they e-mail me a week later and say, “You know, I got the chance to try that thing you said and it was awesome.”

What makes me really happy as a sex educator is knowing that right now, at this very second, somebody out there is having better sex, better orgasm or a better relationship because of something that I did, makes me happy. I like knowing that. I’ve talked to enough people that it’s a guarantee that somebody right now is doing something that I suggested to them.

RealSexyTalk.com: Do you have a lot of people that come for workshops and then after you explained to them the benefits of it, now they are like, “Oh! Now, I want to try it.”

Dr. Glickman: In those situations, I really try to validate, “You know, you never have to do anything that you don’t want to do.”

In my view, you never have to pretend to like sex or a particular sexual act, the world would be a better place if fewer people pretended to like sex that they don’t want to have. And don’t even get me started on faking orgasms. Actually, I read a blog post today, I don’t remember who wrote it but they were saying that not only does it mean that you’re not getting what you want, but you’re encouraging your partner to think that they know what you like, and they’re going to keep doing that same thing.

RealSexyTalk.com: One of our slogans is, “If she’s squirting, she’s not faking it.”

Dr. Glickman: Yeah, it’s hard to fake that one. You can’t really fake female ejaculation.

RealSexyTalk.com: How do you feel about female ejaculation?

Dr. Glickman: Nobody knows for sure what it is. There have been studies that show that it’s more similar to prostatic fluid. There has been studies that show that it doesn’t contain the chemicals that are urine and there are studies that show that it does but in lower quantities. I don’t particularly care what it is as long as people are enjoying the experience. I do, I am pretty confident that it’s not urine. It’s only because it doesn’t look or smell like it. I’ve definitely witnessed it both part in the expression first hand and also on video and I’ve talked to enough people who’ve experience it, it’s real whatever it is. But we don’t know exactly where it is or where it comes from. But I also don’t want to get so caught up in putting it on a pedestal because I know people who feel really bad about it, “Oh, I can’t do this,” or “I can’t make my partner do this.”

G-spot ejaculation is a lot like other types of orgasm. The more goal-oriented you are, the harder it is to make it happen. Especially for guys, but some women too. But a lot of guys have incorporated this idea that “If she ejaculates, it means I’m a really good lover and that makes me super macho.”

RealSexyTalk.com: How are you perceived as a sex educator in your community? You grew up non or Pagan, non-secular…

Dr. Glickman: I grew up non-practicing Jewish but very assimilated East Coast Jewish.

RealSexyTalk.com: How’s this affected you as a sex educator?

Dr. Glickman: Well, Judaism has a really interesting relationship to sex. In many Jewish traditions, it’s considered a mitzvah to have sex and not just to have sex but have female orgasm. For a couple of thousand years ago, there’s a common belief that you needed to have female orgasm in order for there to be conception. And so, among many Jews in many different cultures, the idea was Friday night on the Sabbath, you go the temple, you pray and then you go home when you have sex and it’s the man’s responsibility to give his wife an orgasm.

There’s a different relationship to sex generally speaking than you see in some of the more church-based traditions.

RealSexyTalk.com: You wrote the article “Why Make Sex Sacred?” How did your audience respond to that?

Dr. Glickman: It’s been interesting; I just posted it yesterday. So far, the feedback has been really positive – even from the folks who are in the “sex is sacred” camp.

RealSexyTalk.com: So it’s divided: on one side you have sex is sacred and on the other, sex is not.

Dr. Glickman: Yeah, as far as I’m concerned, if calling it sacred makes it better for you, I’m not going to get in your face and tell you not to, as long as you’re not expecting me to agree with you.

…I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with recreational sex. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with a one-night stand or anonymous sex in the sex club or a highway rest stop as long as everybody’s consent, pleasure and well-being are cared for. I don’t think that calling sex sacred gets you anywhere if you are then shaming people for having other kind of sex.

…Whatever it is for you, that’s what it means to you. Don’t shame somebody else who has a different experience of it. If your sex is transactional, you’re doing it for money, if your consent, pleasure and well-being are part of that process, that’s all I care about.

RealSexyTalk.com: You’ve been non-monogamous 20 years. How did you make this work?

Dr. Glickman: I’ve never been monogamous, although my partner and I, we’ve been together… we just had our 20th anniversary. And we have had either 3 or 4, I lost track, a few time spans of several months up to over a year, where we were choosing to not have other partners because we had so much stuff going on that we needed to focus on each other. But we weren’t monogamous because we weren’t saying “we’re doing this” — to me there’s a difference between being monogamous and choosing to not have other partners. By the same token, somebody who is monogamous and bisexual is still bisexual even if they’re only having sex with a person of one gender. It’s a question of identity versus action. If you can be a heterosexual man who can give other men blowjobs, you can be a non-monogamous person who is not having sex with any other person.

RealSexyTalk.com: Do you identify with a particular label?

Dr. Glickman: At this point, I very rarely identify with anything. I describe myself but I don’t identify. There’s a great line in the movie Dogma with Chris Rock, where he says, “I was talking about the differences between beliefs and ideas.” And he says that ideas are better than beliefs. You can change an idea much more easily than a belief. People kill for beliefs, people die for beliefs.

I’ll describe myself as non-monogamous or as queer or these other things but I don’t identify because it’s not the only thing I am and it’s easier for me to change my description than my identity. I talked to somebody once who literally said to me, ”I can’t be attracted to this guy because I’m a lesbian.” I said, “Well, you know, you identified yourself as a lesbian and that’s getting in the way of your attraction for this person who you really are drawn to. What if you could just not let it get in the way?”

RealSexyTalk.com: What do you recommend for someone who is looking to go form monogamous to polyamorous relationship?

Dr. Glickman: There are two books that are worth getting, one is called “Opening Up” by Tristan Taromino and the other one is “Love in Abundance” by Kathy Labriola. The thing about open relationships of any shape is you’re dealing with variables and so you really need to be able to handle big emotions and process through them quickly and efficiently because otherwise, you spend all your time processing.

RealSexyTalk.com: What do you mean by processing?

Dr. Glickman: Processing like, “Sweetie, you did this thing and I’m feeling really upset about it and I’d like to sit down and talk with you about it.” If you are able to sit down and have that conversation, and “Oh yeah, I did this, I didn’t mean to do it, I apologize.” Or “Wow! You misunderstood, I really meant to do that, let’s figure out how to keep this from happening again.” As compared to the “Oh no, here we go again, you’re going to start talking about your feelings, I’m going to sit here and resent it.” I mean it’s why many of the men I know who are in open relationships are kind of touchy-feely because you need to be able to process emotions.

RealSexyTalk.com: What do you recommend people do if they want to overcome shame about their sexuality?

Dr. Glickman: If people want to overcome shame about sexuality, get a therapist.

RealSexyTalk.com: A sex therapist?

Dr. Glickman: No, sex therapists are just therapists who specialize in sexuality issues, just like there are therapists who specialize in divorce or drug and alcohol or grief or these other things. There are plenty of great therapists who don’t specialize in sex, who are really good at dealing with issues in shame but there are also especially for people who are in gender or sexual minorities, it can be useful to have a therapist who understands who isn’t going to say to them, “The reason why you want to be tied up and spanked, it must because you were abused as a child.” or “The reason why you want to have multiple partners is because you can’t commit.” Nobody ever says to somebody the reason why you’re monogamous is because you’re a trauma survivor. But that can happen, too; the stories that people have are very complex. So, the kind of therapist who can separate out the behaviors from the reasons. A sex therapist is a good way for that but not the only place.

RealSexyTalk.com: Do books on this topic also help?

Dr. Glickman: Yeah! Brene Brown’s book. “I Thought It Was Just Me”. She did the Ted talk on Shame and Vulnerability, and her book nails it pretty much all the way down the line.

RealSexyTalk.com: Have you seen a number of people get over shame? If so, what does it usually look like? Do they go to a therapist or do they read books?

Dr. Glickman: People get over shame in a lot of different ways. For some people, it involves a lot of journaling and self-reflection and solo time. For some people, it might be a support group or working with a therapist. Sometimes, it involves sexual exploration. Ever since the 70’s, Betty Dodson has been teaching workshops where women just sit down, rest on some pillows, spread their legs and take a mirror and a flashlight and look at their vulvas because they’ve never seen them before, they’ve never looked at them before and that can be a very healing and profound experience. There are a lot of workshops on how to overcome a lot of resorts and issues.

The way that it usually looks is people moving from being shutdown to being more expressive; being really rigid to be being more flexible; being willing to explore and experiment a little bit more, less reactive about things, and are more able to state their needs and their desires and their boundaries.

RealSexyTalk.com: Can you be religious and a sex educator?

Dr. Glickman: There are people who do it; I actually met somebody at Momentum. I don’t remember if she’s a sex educator or a sex therapist but she is a practicing mormon and we had this lovely conversation and she talks to her kids about sex, she talks to her teenage daughter about sex and she also very firmly believes that this is what is right for her but she also didn’t judge me, I got no sense of judgment towards me about being queer and kinky and poly.
We had a lovely conversation. You can find folks like that everywhere but some traditions are more easy than others to find people like that. But it was really very eye opening to me to see somebody coming from this tradition that is generally considered very sexually restricted taking a very different view. It’s a good reminder that even when the public phase is one-way, there are individuals who are not that.

And the thing about shame is that when it comes up, you have three options. You can try to control the situation, so controlling other people so they don’t do whatever is triggering you or I don’t want to be around, I don’t want to see it. You can avoid the whole thing entirely, like not talking about whatever is happening or withdraw from somebody, “I don’t want to talk to you anymore because you’re gay.” Or you can process through your shame and heal from it, which is the only way forward but it’s a lot of work, and it’s really hard.

All that stuff, and the only way to move through it is to move through it. But even though that’s very difficult, what helps me with that is remembering that if I don’t clean this up, I’m going to inflict it on somebody else, and at the end of the day – at the end of my life – when I’m looking back on it, I would much rather know that I wasn’t making a mess that somebody else is going to have to clean up. Whether I’m a guest in someone’s house and I do my own dishes, or in my relationships, I would rather work on my own shame than shame my partners.

RealSexyTalk.com: Last question. How are you influenced as a sex educator by your community?

Dr. Glickman: I couldn’t do what I do without my community. We’ve got this myth of a lone cowboy kind of thing, but we’re social creatures…I like to surround myself with the sorts of people who I would like to be like.

Once I was having a birthday party and I had this moment of realization. I looked at all these awesome people I know. And I realized, if I met somebody else who knew all of these cool people, I would think that they were really much more amazing that I thought that I was. And so, who was I to think that I wasn’t cool when I knew all of these great people who clearly cared about me? I couldn’t have… And that has been a big shift for me in terms of my own self-esteem and overcoming my own shame and I couldn’t have done that if I didn’t have my own community.

RealSexyTalk.com: Well there you have it, folks. Thanks Charlie for taking the time to talk to us today; you kept it real & informative!

Be sure to follow Real Sexy Talk’s “Ask the Expert” interview series by subscribing to our e-mail list, and let us know who you’d like to see interviewed next.

Here are three reasons why I stopped drinking:

Reason #1 To be able to perform during group sex

At a play party, my partner found a very attractive tall blonde and apparently I had sex with her. Sadly, I don’t remember any of it because I drank too much. Bummer! We went to another play party a few weeks later. I drank, smoked weed, and 30 minutes later, I vomited all over the carpet. I spent the rest of the night curled in the fetal position, in my partner’s arms, while she turned down advances from really hot women. I promised myself, to never again miss out on fun sexual adventures like these.

So I decided “I’m giving up alcohol for 30 days”. Although we did not go to another play party, we did notice an immediate change in my mood. I was much nicer, and even when my partner and I argued, I did not lose my temper, as I had done sometimes previously. After a 30 day alcohol break, I started drinking again. After one weekend of drinking, I fully recovered by Sunday, and was feeling 100% by Monday… or so I thought.

Reason #2 To gain more control over my emotions

That Monday, we got into huge fight over something trivial and we nearly broke up. I realized then that, not only am I an asshole when I drink, but I’m asshole several days later, because my mood was is affected by the weekend’s drinking. I thought that once you got past the hangover the day following drinking, then you’re pretty much free of alcohol’s affects. But for me, its affects were felt much later than one day, and caused mood swings, even with a moderate 3 – 4 drinks a night. https://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/problems/alcoholanddrugs/alcoholdepression.aspx

This was a not-so-obvious reason to stop drinking, but the 30-day break allowed me to see the subtle affect alcohol had on my mood.

Reason #3 To keep a good relationship going

Even though our fights were not a regular occurrence, we believed that we did not have to fight at all. So something needed to change. I could’ve done many things to improve our relationship, like taking a seminar, or seeing a relationship counselor — but there was one thing that would have the biggest impact, in the shortest amount of time. Since nearly all of our fights happened after a weekend of drinking, it was clear that alcohol was the elephant in the room, and it needed to be poached.

How I gave up alcohol for good

We won’t really know if my method is successful until a few years from now, but my goal was to not drink at all, and I’ve gone without drinking the longest stretch of time since I began in college. I feel like this is a great success since it has improved my relationship drastically. So much so that, when I watch my favorite love story, Last of the Mohicans, I can really relate to what those characters are feeling!

1. Having several reasons to stop drinking are better than having only one

Take a look at all the things that alcohol affects in your life. How are your relationships, sex life, bank account and your productivity affected by alcohol? Even if alcohol has a minor negative affect in all areas, when you add them together, it can still have a substantial impact on your overall quality of life.

2. You don’t need to be an alcoholic to justify giving up alcohol

If you’re not a certified alcoholic, it is difficult to justify banishing it from your life. This is why alcohol can be so destructive: because you can easily underestimate its affect on you. As Brian Tracy says, for any life goal, each action is either moving you towards or away from that goal. The same is true with a successful relationship; you’re either moving towards or away from it. Consider this question the next time you order your 4th or 5th drink: “Is this drink helping me move toward having a better relationship?” If it’s not, then put it down! You don’t need it.

3. Take a break from alcohol to see how your relationship improves without it

When my partner and I stopped drinking for 30 days we saw a drastic improvement in how we related to each other. When I started drinking again, we immediately saw the reverse happen. However, at the time it was not so obvious that alcohol was the problem, because we did not argue as much when I was drinking, as we did the following Wednesday or Thursday. Without taking a long break from alcohol, we would have not discovered how much alcohol was affecting my mood.

4. Quitting forever is easier than quitting for 30 days

During the 30 days of no drinking, I found myself saying, “Oh man I can’t wait till the first of the month, so I can drink again!” This craving was torturous. When I decided to give up drinking for good, it was much easier for me to abstain from alcohol because my identity was that of a non-drinker. Your identity has the biggest impact on the actions you take in life and by no longer identifying myself as a “drinker” made it easier to resist alcohol, versus being a drinker who is “taking a 30-day break.” I figured that as a non-smoker it was easy to resist a cigarette, why not consider myself a non-drinker as well?

I hope this article helps you abstain from anything that’s not helping you in your relationship.

Just remember how much better your life could be by removing the bullshit that you don’t need.

E-mail me or comment below if you have any questions!

She described some of her recent sexual encounters. I of course followed with some of mine. We both had some good ones, and remembered how silly and how open we’d always been with each other, even “back in the day” when we were teenagers. She reminded me of something I hadn’t thought of in a long time, which was…

When I was 16, I told her that I could
make myself orgasm in 3 minutes.

I wasn’t lying. My then-recent first experiences with masturbation (admittedly, even before I knew what the term meant) had been extremely successful. I found the right spot, the right stroke, and the right muscle groups to contract and release to quickly bring myself to climax.

Needless to say, she was impressed, but short of a live demonstration at that time I couldn’t really describe it in the proper language. Despite this limitation, she held onto that thought for years and has since done plenty of experimentation on her own.

Now, with my grown-up and sophisticated sexual vocabulary, I’d like to share what I couldn’t verbalize all those years ago.

Treasure Hunting

Feel free to explore a little further than you would let a partner, and try to find the most sensitive part of your clitoris.

Finding the right spot to please yourself is extremely important. Get to know your clitoris. Begin to simply feel the tingling sensations that your experience when you run your fingers lightly around your clitoral hood. The most sensitive spot, anatomically speaking, is actually your clitoral head, which is underneath your clitoral hood and contains between 6,000 – 8,000 nerve endings (more than any other part of either a male or woman’s body)!

As an older woman, you have probably discovered how sensitive this area can be. At times, direct stimulation to the clitoral head can be uncomfortable – painful, even. In my youthful, early experiences with masturbation, I learned to indirectly stimulate my clitoris by placing a finger just above the tip of the hood, and move my fingers around there.

As a solo explorer, you have the benefit of using only as much pressure as you can take, therefore feel free to explore a little further than you would let a partner, and try to find the most sensitive part of your clitoris. The actual clitoral head can be felt with your sensitive finger beds by pulling the clitoral hood up and out of the way slightly with one hand while you explore with the other. You will feel a very small lump just under this protective hood. There’s a reason why the hood is there – touching your clitoral head may generate a sharp, electric sensation – almost a nail-on-chalkboard startle – in that area and even throughout your body, depending on how sensitized of an individual you are.

Don’t back off just yet. Place a finger bed gently just over the spot (not finger tip: watch your nails, ladies). Try tapping it slowly, lightly, and notice your body’s responses. Your body will soon remember this sensation, and begin to identify it as pleasurable in sexual scenarios.

Relax into it a little bit.

When you’ve had enough of these tiny jolts of energy, release your clitoral hood back into its original position.

Did you know you could feel something so small, so strongly? Makes me think of the Hans Christian Andersen fairytale The Princess and the Pea… but I digress.

The Emotional Part

Try not to feel guilty for taking some time for yourself.

Now that you’ve experienced the sharp, peak of sensation that your body is capable of, it’s time for the journey.

You thought you were going to learn how to make yourself orgasm in 3 minutes, in 3 minutes?

No no, it takes much more practice, but you’ll get there eventually.

A big part of why I was able to learn this so quickly when I was younger was that I had far less emotional baggage. Don’t get me wrong – I had my share of worries, but I wasn’t yet so concerned with body image, with a partner, spouse, children, groceries, etc. As a now-older woman, it actually takes more “work” to connect with myself than it used to.

I recommend in any case that you set aside a fair amount of time and a comfortable place for yourself to do this next piece. Try for the most uninterrupted time possible in your life (while it may not always be ideal), and then try not to feel guilty for taking some time for yourself. Close and possibly lock the bedroom door, if possible. Set aside your cell phone. Clear your mind of your to-do list.

And now, dedicate yourself to your body.

Slip into your bed. Are the sheets cold? Warm? Begin to notice the physical sensations around you as much as possible. It will help bring you into the present moment and away from other thoughts.

All Warmed Up

Caress your vaginal opening with a fingertip, as if rubbing the rim of a champagne glass.

Pull off your pants if not already. Tease yourself a bit as you go.

Fully immersed into the physical environment, start caressing yourself down below.

Spend some time on your outer lips. Do you feel hairy? Smooth? Appreciate your pussy for whatever state it’s in right now, even if it’s not your preferred state. Notice the density and texture of your hairs, if any. Play with them as you would a lover’s hair, or rub the bare skin as you would a lover’s bare bottom.

Lightly brush your fingers across your clitoral hood. Remember the sensations from the first exercise. Your body should remember the electric shock you gave it when you touched your clitoral head directly, and begin to feel even more excited.

Feel your own anticipation.

Venture down to the opening of your vagina. You may or may not be wet – that’s OK too. Caress the opening with a gentle fingertip, as if rubbing the rim of a champagne glass.

Notice your back arching, breathing getting heavier?

Before you go reaching for your vibrator in a hurry to “get off,” appreciate the very moment you are in. We often wish that our male partners would spend more time in foreplay – why shouldn’t we learn to please ourselves in the same teasing, titillating way?

As your genitals become engorged, wet, and hot for your own touch, begin to feel the muscles inside working, either voluntarily or involuntarily. Try to replicate what your body is doing with your own voluntary contractions.

Note: Many women practice Kegel exercises as a way to please their partner or increase satisfaction in a partner sex activity, but it’s actually quite pleasing to learn to use these muscles for your own enjoyment. I learned to climax before ever having sexual intercourse, and without really understanding its meaning. You, too, can focus on the pubococcygeus or “PC” muscle group to bring yourself over the edge – with or without a finger, toy, or partner.

The Big Finish

You may or may not need penetration to reach climax. In the beginning, I learned to use clitoral stimulation alone, and it was only later in life that I learned about the inner mysteries of the G-spot, anal play, and other more “advanced” orgasms.

My now-infamous 3-minute orgasm went something like this…

1. Pants off, panties on… who has time for fully undressing?
2. Reach down below, get a good clit rub going around the hood
3. Increase speed of clit rubbing; get close to the more sensitive parts as excitement builds
4. Concentrate on the feelings inside
5. Contract, release, repeat
6. Clench inner thighs (note: this is now a bad habit, avoid if possible)
7. Breathe faster and deeper
8. Stroke faster and a little harder
9. Continue to contract, release, repeat
10. Climax
11. Catch breath
12. Repeat

Okay, I didn’t say they were the most fulfilling orgasms ever, did I? Point is, I learned to “get off,” somewhat like a horny pubescent boy might do when he learns to spank the monkey… yet a somewhat admirable feat for a girl. And certainly much less discussed or accepted.

So, there it is. The process that led me to the 3-minute climax, multiple orgasms, and bragging rights with my closest of girl friends for life.

If you’re a woman and you’ve never climaxed before, at least the first part will help you to get in the mindset and begin to understand your own body. If you’ve climaxed but would like to do it more quickly between doing dishes and putting the kids to bed, this may prove a handy (hee, hee) guide. However, if you’re looking for true fulfillment, it’s best to always enjoy the journey rather than trying to reach the destination quickly.

“Babe, I found something you might like.”

“What is it?”

“Porn,” she said.

Now how was I supposed to concentrate after hearing something like that, right?

So I got up, walked over, and had a look.

All I could say was, WOW!

I had no idea porn could be this good. For so long I thought that porn was just low production value, fake breasts, too much makeup, or that user-generated amateur stuff you see on Youporn.com

I’ve since learned that there’s this world of porn with movie-like cinematography, attractive women, and yes even an interesting story line. It’s called fem porn, or porn made with women in mind. My favorite so far, which Pearl found via the “Best Feminist Movie” award nominees, is Cabaret Desire by Erika Lust. http://www.lustcinema.com/Cabaret-Desire/

Typical porn sites like Brazzers.com are great, but most of the scenes cut right to sex… no story, no intrigue, no build-up. While this is good if you want to knock one out real quick before going to work, they’re terrible if you want to feel full levels of arousal. For this, you’ll need something a little more interesting that can hold your attention. Porn made by women, for women does just this. It takes into account the entire sexual experience: the build-up, the anticipation, the chase, the subtleties that all add to a woman being turned on, and yes – the sex too. But not the kind of sex where it’s clear they’re just paid actors. This is the real, hot, genuine, sincere sex where you actually believe the man and woman have a connection.

Naturally, watching Cabaret Desire changed how I go about a night of self-gratification.

When it came to porn, I didn’t care about the story, I didn’t care if her boobs or hair were real, I just wanted to jerk-off then go to sleep. Now when I do decide to spank the monkey, I don’t do it with the same 0 – 60 mph mentality. I instead take the time to feel the sensations in my body. Over time, this has made me a better lover because I’m not so focused on the outcome of finishing, but instead enjoying the ride. I’ve also learned that a loose soft touch, and bringing my attention to the sensations in my body, lead to deeper levels of arousal, then just pumping with the grip of death. I have my girlfriend to thank for teaching me how to touch myself less like a man and more like a woman

More on this later.

If you’re into porn, and want something that is more interesting that your typical steady-cam amateur-point-of-view shot, then watch Cabaret Desire by Erika Lust.

I think you’ll enjoy this preview from Google books, which allows you to view about 50 pages of content for FREE:

Need more? The full version of The G Spot: And Other Discoveries about Human Sexuality is available on Amazon.com.